I’ve been meaning to come here and write about some of the cool stuff that’s been going on in my life, and some of the new things going on…because there has been a TON of stuff going on lately.  So much stuff.  An overwhelming amount, even.

But I find myself here tonight because my brain went to one of those places, and I was lying in bed feeling the weight of the universe slowly crush me, and I needed to talk.  But I don’t have anyone I can say these things to.

So there’s you, my no readers, and random bots from around the world that seem to stumble across my blahg every so often-this blog I keep promising myself I’ll spend time with regularly and then getting distracted from.

 

Tonight as I was finishing an episode of the new season of Daredevil (which is perfection btw) I was reminded about my aspirations from last year to finally join a boxing gym, and of a conversation from the weekend about learning some escrima.  And then I was reminded that I’m probably on blood thinners for the rest of my life.

So I took to the internet, to gauge the feelings of the masses, even though I knew the answer already.  Of course I did.  The answer is common sense, right?  But maybe someone somewhere would say differently and I could cling hopefully to that.

Alas, no.  There are no recommendations for high impact contact sports while on blood thinners.  And as an added bonus I learned that stents can occasionally rip through the artery wall unexpectedly, immediately killing their owner.  As a stent owner I find this incredibly troubling.  Moreso even than the plaque that had built up inside the artery.

So I looked into stent removal, if such a thing existed.  And it doesn’t.  Because the stent meshes in and integrates to the artery.

And here I am.  Dying.  In the peak physical condition of my entire life.  And I can’t do shit I should be able to.  Ever.

Think about your life for a moment.  Think about the word forever.  A lot of people figure their marriage will be forever.  Their church.  Friends and family.  But how often do you think about something that you absolutely will never have again, or do again?  You can always overcome obstacles if you try hard enough..right?
Not in my case.  There are now obstacles that are insurmountable, no matter how much I believe or how hard I try.  I have a lot of them now.  They wall me in and form my life.

And forever is a long time, especially when the owner of the word is someone who doesn’t believe in anything post-death.  Forever is now, and the few years ahead (possibly) and that’s it.  Eternity in a few years.  So I’m healthy.  Can almost run a 5k.  Lifting more than I’ve ever been able to.  Training.  Kicking ass at yoga.  Constantly pushing my physical limits to well beyond anything I could’ve done even in my youth.

But I can’t box, or spar…things I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be in good enough shape to do.

Ever.again.

Lying in bed felt really tiny.  I was starkly reminded just how powerless I really am in this world, and how absolutely bleak that feels.  Sometimes the hustle and the bustle distracts me from this.  Other times it comes crashing down, relentless on my stupid chest.  Sometimes it makes me want to cry, though I can’t seem to do that.  Sometimes it makes me want to punch something.  But then I’d bruise my hand, and then clot, and then die.

So I’ll just lay here for now, awash in the night, the gloom like thick mo-lasses that envelops me, and wait for sleep to hopefully take over.  Tomorrow I’ll get up, and paint on the game face, and head to the stressful job and spend some of my limited hours there.  Tomorrow night I’ll probably do the same thing, only I won’t write about it.

And I feel like there should be some kind of closing statement to this post…a zinger or a poignant reflection or something that makes a point to writing/reading it.

But there is none.  This is not art, or craft.  This is me dumping my whiny guts into the ether of semi-anonymity rather than burdening real people.  Sorry, I guess, but it had to happen tonight.